


How to distract trolls.

by ArtyMissK



Series: Poems, Mathoms & Other Things [6]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Gen, Tumblr, myteambagginsstuff, teambaggins, tolkienreadalong, tolkienreadalong bingo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-10
Updated: 2015-04-10
Packaged: 2018-03-22 06:06:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3717952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArtyMissK/pseuds/ArtyMissK
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hobbits have a secret way to defeat trolls, does Bilbo dare reveal it to the dwarves.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to distract trolls.

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt  
> Hobbit read-along, William, Bert and Tom bingo week 1.
> 
> Standard disclosures apply, I own neither the Hobbit or LOTR. (Well except a rather nerdy collection of the books and movies!) and make no money from any of the following stories.

There are many ways to avoid certain death, with wargs one should run as fast as possible, with goblins one runs even faster, with trolls however the method has only ever been witnessed by a select few, passed down through generations so that should ever one come into contact with a troll, they can be out-smarted.

 

One such individual who had actually seen this particular method work was Berylla Boffins’s great-great-grandmother (she was a most inappropriate adventurous sort!) who had told her tale of defeat so many times it was considered little more than a myth, almost every fauntling in The Shire knew the tale so well they could repeat it with their eyes closed, while spinning in a circle. One of these fauntlings was none other the Bilbo Baggins who, while he was young had a rather adventurous sprit preferring to hunt for elves and stay out in the dark over playing quietly with the other good little hobbits.

Over time however he grew older as is wont to do in the world and left behind his adventurous sprit for more proper things, such as reading and etiquette, forgetting the tales of his great-great-great-grandmother’s exceptional feat.

 

He remained in his proper ways until one such night when one Bilbo Baggins was sent to burgle from three large trolls who had stolen the ponies of his employer.

 

~

 

“Hoot twice like a barn owl, once like a brown owl, very helpful.” cursed our dear hobbit as he swung upside down in the grasp of a troll.

 

The company of dwarves dropped their weapons so quickly the trolls didn’t quite believe their luck.

 

While the largest of the trolls, later known to the company as Tom threatened to eat Bilbo, the mighty dwarves of Erebor stripped down to their stockings…yes they wear stockings and climbed delicately into burlap sacks.

 

“Don’t bother cooking them.” said the troll named William excitedly, pausing to eye up his dinner “Let’s just sit on them and squash them into jelly.”

 

“They should be sautéed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage.” argued the chief troll Bert.

 

“Ooh, that does sound quite nice.” agreed William.

 

“Never mind the seasoning; we ain’t got all night! Dawn ain’t far away, so let’s get a move on. I don’t fancy being turned to stone.” interrupted the third troll, the one who threatened to eat Bilbo.

 

That comment was all it took for our favorite burglar to be transported back to his childhood to the tales his mother told him.

 

“We need a way to distract them.” whispered Thorin to the dwarves surrounding him.

 

“Nothing distracts trolls and you know it,” answered Balin, pausing to watch as his only brother swore pain and death “trolls may be dim witted but once they’ve set their minds to something they never give up.”

 

Even when tied in sacks dwarves can argue about the merits of out smarting trolls with various tricks.

 

“Maybe we could,” starts Kili.

 

“It won’t work!”

 

“But,”

 

“There’s just no distracting them.”

 

“Actually,” starts Bilbo but then he remembers why he was keeping quiet…it does no good the surrounding dwarves are suddenly all ears, greedy for information and ideas.

 

“Burglar,” growls Thorin harshly, although he is kicked in the ribs by Balin “if you know of a way to save us then…please.”

 

“It’s nothing, just a story I heard as a faunt.” responds Bilbo trying to thinks of anything else that he could do.

 

“Well get on with it Halfling stop delaying.” shouts Dwalin from the spit he’s currently being roasted on.

 

Various threats flow from the mouths of his companions as Bilbo fails to move.

 

“Fine, fine, fine!” calls Bilbo in defeat, trying his best to stand gracefully “I’ll show you how to defeat trolls, but you must swear to keep it secret.”

 

“Do you swear?” calls Bilbo loudly when the dwarves make no move to agree, however at the same time William gripes about waiting too long for dinner and grabs Bombur, dangling him upside down over his mouth, about to eat him.

 

“Yes, we swear!” call all the dwarves in panic at the though of one of their number being eaten so…messily.

 

Clearing his throat to gain the trolls attention Bilbo Baggins prepares to reveal one of the most closely guarded hobbit myths.

 

“Wots it wont?” asks William.

 

Without missing a beat Bilbo opens his mouth and begins to sing.

 

_Five little speckled frogs_

_Sat on a great big log_

_Eating up lots of lovely grubs, yum, yum!_

_One jumped into the pool_

_Where it was nice and cool_

_Then there were only four little green speckled frogs, glug, glug._

The trolls are captivated, unable to move, listening so intently to the simple song, a song all hobbits were taught as part of Berylla Boffins’s great-great-grandmothers tale.

 

The dwarves are also listening intently, although they fail to understand how something so simple can actually work.

 

“Burglar?” asks Thorin who couldn’t be more confused if he tried, although he’s shushed by Bilbo who continues to sing.

 

_Four little speckled frogs_

_Sat on a great big log_

_Eating up lots of lovely grubs, yum, yum!_

_One jumped into the pool_

_Where it was nice and cool_

_Then there were only three little green speckled frogs, glug, glug._

 

_Three little speckled frogs_

_Sat on a great big log_

_Eating up lots of lovely grubs, yum, yum!_

_One jumped into the pool_

_Where it was nice and cool_

_Then there were only two little green speckled frogs, glug, glug._

 

All is silent in the clearing, even Gandalf who stands poised to reveal the sun and kill the trolls cannot quite believe what he is seeing.

 

_Two little speckled frogs_

_Sat on a great big log_

_Eating up lots of lovely grubs, yum, yum!_

_One jumped into the pool_

_Where it was nice and cool_

_Then there was only one little green speckled frog, glug, glug._

_One little speckled frog_

_Sat on a great big log_

_Eating up lots of lovely grubs, yum, yum!_

_It jumped into the pool_

_Where it was nice and cool_

_Then there were were no little green speckled frogs, glug, glug._

After several minutes of uneasy silence, with all eyes on Bilbo. William says “Well, keep going!”

 

“I can't there are no more frogs.” answers Bilbo jumping back as the trolls move closer.

 

From the top of the large rock above the clearing Gandalf shouts “Dawn take you all, and stone be to you!” dramatically striking the rock with his staff, splitting it in half, allowing the sunlight behind it to pour into the clearing.

 

As the sunlight touches the trolls’ skin, they begin to turn into stone and within seconds, there are three stone statues of trolls in the clearing. All the dwarves cheer for Gandalf. Although, the dwarves on the spit, including Dwalin, still looked rather uncomfortable…and hot.

 

The company never speak of what happened that night, although Bilbo moves up a notch in most of their books.

 

~

 

**Author's Note:**

> The song isn’t mine it’s something I sing to the kids at the crèche I work at, there are hand actions and everything!
> 
>  
> 
> Also I meshed the movie and the book, but I think it flows pretty well.


End file.
